Hearts r us!

I had my appojntment today, and they still dont know why my heart runs double speed. And with that in mind they have discharged me! They cant see any damage to my heart and cant find anything in bloods, so therefore dont think its serious. I have been told to go back in if the palpations start to bother me too much or if still going in another year. Oh well least I dont have to go abck for a while.

Also Tanisha has finally got an appointment for her assessment, as school and we have been concerned about her behaviour for a while. Child mental health has confirmed they think she has asbergerers but until assessment is complete, we cant get any help. Oh well just another thing to squeeze into our calander.
Its funny how when cancer is involved everything either seems to hard to deal with, or you just take it in your stride, which we do, as if you can deal with cancer you can deal with anything else!

back to work!

Darren went back to work today. Just till 12pm. But his already in bed by 8pm so has taken it out of him. He looks tired but still loads better than before he was diagnosised. Im hoping this is a step forward for us and that he doesnt over do it.

Still waiting for some forms from the macmillian nurse to help with some pennies for our holiday. Alot of our savings were spent in the time Darren was in hospital and just after, silly things like car park, hospital food, take aways, petrol, just everything.

Im panicing about my appointment tomorrow with my cardiologist, i have to have a heart scan, so am thinking i will be there a while. Fingers cross eh?

Remission! of sorts! woo hoo

Darren had his Monday appointment, and he is in clinical remision, which means that the side effects of the cancer are now normal! woo hoo. Still another 2 stages of remission to go before his clear but still its good news.

However, (why is there never just good news) Darrens kindeys arent managing again so his back on his kidney meds, which they took him off 3 weeks ago. His liver results still not normal but doing well.
Darrens not got another appointment for a month, but mine is wednesday, fingers crossed for that.

Im feeling the effect of this cold atm, im run down and my head hurts, but think 80% is stressed related

Working and cancer dont mix

Well these two are the reason we get up and try and do normal things everyday. We have to get though this for them and we will.

Well as I said in my last post Im back at work, and I have to say Im enjoying being busy and seeing all the lovely people and families I work with. I really feel helped someone today,nothing major, just a little something but still felt good. Thats the thing with cancer, you lose all control of every part of your life, you cant help, you cant do anything and its so hard!
Im still having to tell a few girls at work whats happened in the last few weeks, as some dont know and I even got asked if I have been on holiday! hmm wishing so much that I was.
Strangely enough, 2 people today told me that they have had cancer, I never knew and its odd how cancer is like a little group, you dont want to join but when you do your glad someone else knows where you are at. I also reliased today that Darren is managing this so much better than I am. Im a control freak, and hate this all! Darren doesnt want to know too much, I want to know it all.
Darren has put plans in place to return to work on Tuesday, as long as all results are ok on Monday. His going back staggered, so as not to get too tired out, I just hope he doesnt over do it.

Tanisha went back to school yesterday and as always is loving it. We are still waiting on her appointment for her assessment for asbergers, but we have talked about it, and to be honest we dont care. We wouldnt be changing how we treat her at home but would be good to know for her education.

Im back at the hospital myself next wednesday to see my cardio team and hopefully get some results.
When I talked to my boss about all this earlier in the week she commented about how much we have to deal with, but I dont see it that way. It could be so much worse. We still have each other and wonderful support from friends and family, it never feel like we are going this alone.

Oh the only thing I need is a good massage! can anyone recommend a good one in my area?

Chicken pox!! aggrrr

Well I went to work today, and had some intresting things going on, but atleast I was busy. :)
Darren's Macmillian nurse called to say she had just picked up meesage from Friday and was checking we were ok. Well yes his on anti Bs now, but has dickie tum. However while out with the girls today, he was exposed to some little kids with chicken pox!! So now he has to have a round of anti virols, as its a hope it will stop him developing chicken poxs, which would be so dangerous for him.
Why take your child out if they still can give it to other!! grr so angry.

Darrens feeling ok ish, but coughing up but will keep an eye on him.
Im torn between going with Darren for his appointment on mOnday and work.Im hoping to go with him and if its running ontime, will be fine, if its late, well I will have to leave him there at the hospital.

I think since starting Chemo he is looking so much better, dont you?

normal?? whats that again??

Well after my outburst on Friday, I reliased it may well have been down to PMT LOL.
Yesterday was lovely, I got loads done in the girls room and Darren got to take the girls to the park :)
I got to spend some nice mum and daughter time with Tanisha as we went to the cinema in the morning with Tanisha's friend Lauren and her mum Gemma. Was a lovely morning.
Today was not so great. Darren is feeling tired, and coughing loads. His started to get an upset tummy too, which I think is down to the drugs but said we will call the nurse in the morning if no better. Its just so weird how little things can really make you worry. Before Darren got cancer, him having a cold and bit of a dicky tum, would have me moaning about man flu, now I worry about him.

I have to go back to work tomorrow, Im looking forward to getting back to some sort of routine, although Darrens not back at work till next week.

Im fed up of hospitals though. I have another 2 appointments for me though this week, neither of which Im looking forward to, BUT if we can deal with cancer we can deal with anything else.
Tanisha is back at school on Tuesday, which will be nice. She s a bright one and loves school. Although has been so nice to have some family time, although wish it was for different reasons.

I know sometimes this blog is very "woe is me", but i find it really helps. Im not like that when you meet me, Im pretyt upbeat most of time, but is lovely to write it here, and saves me losing too many friends from being a depressing moo.

hugs to all that need them right now, prayers for all those who are battling cancer, or their families. xx

I want off!!

Today sucked.
Darrens been coughing up green stuff, feeling hot and sweating loads at night. I called Macmillian nurse, she didnt call back, called the GP, no appointments so I called the cancer ward and was advised to take him to A&E. I called my mum to come and watch the kids, she wouldnt come, said Darren should take himself there. Called my sister, Maria who came over.
Arrive at A&E, wait an hour to be seen by the nurse, whilst trying to aviod standing too close to anyone who seemed unwell. Nurse called GP, who magicly had an appointment.
Got home and made the girls dinner, they had played me up most of the day to be honest and i hadnt got half as much done in the house as i needed.
Darren calls after seeing the doctor, to tell me he has a prescribtion for anti biotics but that also his friend is coming over earlier and will be here about 6.30pm.
Darren arrives home but tells me he had to pay for prescribtion as his not got has exsemtion card yet (all cancer people get free prescribtions).
Kids into PJs, me running round like a blue arsed fly trying to tidying up before friend gets here.

To be honest i cried whilst giving girls their tea, i felt like getting up and walking out, just walking, just to clear my head, but no chance i could have. I just wanted my bed.

I know people want to pop by and see how we are, but i wish people would call, i hate being surprised but people at my door. Im rarely not busy, my house always looks like a mess when people arrive. all it takes is one call to see if now is a good time!

enjoying the peace

I havent posted since Friday as there really isnt anything to report, well small bits i guess.

We have had some nice weather so been out to a few parks, had 2 picnics and seen some family. Its been so nice to spend some family time together, although I wish we had this time for different reasons.
Darrens been harping on about getting back to the gym. I told him I dont think its best, I feel he should get himself well again (remission) being he thinks about that and the macmillian nurse agree's. I find myself getting so angry that all his worried about is losing muscle over getting well. But I guess its like when people lose their hair though chemo or bloat, its another thing about you thats different that you have no control over. I think he doesnt want to let go of the controls yet
:(
Darrens had a sore throat for a few days that we have to keep an eye on, and i have noticed his been quite tired the last few days to. His needed to go back to bed during he day again.
Darren has got my hunger back ten fold. Before he was diagnosised he wasnt eating as much and we now know thats because his spleen was so huge that it was pressing on his stomach. Now the spleen is smaller he is eating us out of house and home!! I guess his body is working hard to fight the cancer so i cant complain if he needs a few extra fats things :)

Thats pretty much our week so far. We are going to the farm tomorrow, cant wait! Im not sure who's more excited Darrren or the girls.

Well life does go on

Well not a huge amount to report here. I went into work yesterday and spent sometimes with the families I work with. I was so busy it was lovely. I can home to a huge headache so had to go and lay down when I got home.
I also got to go to a dinner party with the girls from work, it was such a laugh and the food was lovely too.
Today I have spent the whole day trying to straightner the house out. We were in the middle of decrorating the house when Darren was diagnosised, so it was upside down for the last 4 weeks.
Im seeling like mad on ebay at the moment to make some extra cash, as we really are struggling this week. I know people say Cancer can affect your bank but i didnt really believe it. Its all the extra's, carpark, food out, having someone at home all day, petrol and extra cleaning stuff. To be honest money was the last thing on my mind when Darren was in hospital and after and its my fault for not keeping better track of it, but doesnt stop the stress :( Oh well 2 more weeks to payday.

Well we are at my sisters tomorrow and my mums on sunday so hoping some family time will cheer me up.

What a beutiful day

We walked to the local park/lakes today with the girls and some friends. The sun was shining and we had a wonderful day, playing and eating ice creams. It was lovely to forget about the cancer for once, its so hard as Darren looks so much better than he did 4 weeks ago, and he doesnt look sick to anyone else that didnt know him before. He walked with the girls, played and it just felt lovely to be normal, I almost forgot he was sick. Noticed the almost, well i cant stop worrying his over doing things.
The girls were shattered when we got home and to be honest thats all there is to report. A lovely day with my little family, these moments are precious, somedays you forget how much.

his over done it!!

Well plans for today were to take our girls on a picnic to Knebworth, which is a good 45mins to an hour walk. This was planned before Darren got sick with 2 friends of mine. Darren decided he wanted to come and I explained how far ect, he said he was feeling well today and if he needed he would get bus back.
Well we all went, it was lovely and he insisted he could walk back ok. Got back to Gemma's house and sat down for a cuppa and Darren was falling asleep on the chair so I sent him home to rest. He slept for about 3 hours.

I rang the Macmillian charity to ask about moneys ect, as Darren isnt working at the moment and neither am i (although I go back after easter holidays).
Was told i dont love in their local area so no one can help me, and to go to CAB! So must be careful that Darren only gets cancer if we live in the right area!

I have been a little tearful today, silly things really set me off, songs on the radio, watching Darren playing with the girls and just thinking about how unfair this all is. I havent let Darrn see me, as I dont think he needs to know how hard Im finding this some days.

I went out tonight to my local and joined my normal team for the quiz, we didnt win! But the pub supports charities, and agreed to donate £150 to Leukemica research next week!!
Came home to find Darren looking very rough, sweaty and dark rings under his eyes. His temperture is ok, but have sent him off to bed. I hope his ok and we dont spend another night at the hospital.

Good text from friend with good news about her own worries of cancer, and all signs point to north of our road, so with hope she wont be joining me and Darren on our rocky road, which is great news, hugs sweetie.

woo hoo and boo hoo

Well wonderful news that Darrens white cell count is back to normal range!! HIs Liver results have started to drop and hoping they will go back within normal range asap.
Bad news, why is there always bad news too??!! Hammersmith hospital have managed to lose/destroy Darren first lot of special blood results, and so the consultant isnt happy. It was the results to tell the doctor how well his body was responding to Chemo, as so they needed the bloods from his first day of dianogisis. Grrr consultant explained that it now is difficult to get a true picture of how he responds to the chemo! He had more tests today but not going to be true result as his been on chemo for nearly 4 weeks :(

Now white cells are down, he has to work on bring the percentage of cancer cells in the bone marrow down, then he will be in remission. Consultant feels this will take 8-12months. Still a long way to go but so happy with positive news today.

My friend has all my thoughts and prayers with her for good results today, good luck sweetie xx

My car passed MOT!!

We are walking to local ish (a good 45-60min walk) park tomorrow for a picnic. There is loads of us going so looking forward to a nice day. Got loads planned for days out over easter. Anything to keep our mind off cancer.

Wireless again :)

Yea all my wires are gone :) Tanisha asked what they were this morning and Darren told her i was a robot and I was charging my batteries! cheeky so and so.
darren went off for his normal blood tests today so hoping it shows good results on Monday.
I have been trying to do a little more research today, but struggling to understand all the medical words and Im sure they do it just to make themselves sound brainly! I know they were focusing on lowering his white cells, but this is just a side effect of the cancer, but is a bad one, so hence the rush to lower these. They said last week that Darren will have regular bone marrow taken to check % of cancer cells. They said it will be atleast 8-12 months before classed as remission. I dont know why i was so shocked by that, but guess it sounds long.

Darren just got all excited as he found a bruise, but it didnt have a lump underneath. This happened loads before he was diagnosised because his blood was so clogged with white cells. Its strange how small things can give you such hope.

I was meant to go out tonight with some girl friends, but had such a headache i didnt go. Im finding im getting more of these, but im certain its just stress.

We are still planning to go on holiday in June, but may end up coming home half way though so Darren can see his specialist and then travelling back again, but hey i dont care!!

Well tomorrows another day, and Im learning quickly Sunday and Monday are the worst days of the week in this house. Only to learn results on Monday and feel fine until we start worrying about next hospital visit.

All wired up

I had a lovely day at work, and had a lovely lunch too. I took my excersise test but half way though the machine died so they said they may have to call me back if the cardiologist doesnt feel there is enough info.
Im hooked up to my 24 ecg machine, so going to have to wear it till 4.30pm tomorrow.
I also found out today that some close may be starting the same journery as us. Im hoping she doesnt, but if she does I will be there if/when she needs me. Hoping for good results for her and for Darren on Monday, hugs sweetie xx

Darrens off to the vamps at path lab again in the morning for more tests, and really holding for good results for MOnday.
Oh and we are only at £22 for race for life so dig deep people, its worth its weight in gold. Thanks for the donations so far, your truley great :)

Tomorrow is going be hard, for me!

This blog is mainly focused on Darren and I have completely forgotten about me. Im going into work tomorrow. I am helping to a group, which is fine, im looking forward to it, but also saying goodbye to 2 staff memebers who are lovely. I also have to go and see the cardio team tomorrow for my own tests. I have to do a excersise test, I run on a treadmill they see whats happening to my heart at the time. I also have to have a 24 recording of my heart so will need to be all wired up and then come home wearing them! I know I have a busy day tomorrow and im panicing. Im finding it hard to pull it all together some days. Any silly thing can start me crying and i hate it (I am a control freak, for anyone that didnt know).
Im hoping for good results from my tests as I cannot handle another bad result. Im looking forward to seeing my work girls again, they are a fab lot :)

Oh and please if you see me in real life and i ask if i can help please please dont say I have enough on my plate, as if i didnt want to help i wouldnt offer, and sometimes its nice to help someone else and be me, instead of darrens wife for a while, not that im planning on divorse, but you know what I mean. LOL

RACE FOR LIFE

Its been a quiet few days here. Darrens doing well and seems to have some enegry back. We are just holding out for test results Monday. Not before my tests on riday though. Yucky, I have to have an excerise test and a 24 ecg tape done :( Hoping they can work out whats wrong my heart at the moment. To be honest though I havent got the time to owrry about me, so is stoppping me stressing.

Right me and my 2 bestest friends are doing "Race for Life" this year to raise money for Cancer research. Im hoping my sisters will join me too and anyone else is welcome. However, if you cant join us, please please sponser us, we have set up a web link to help it make it easy.

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/darrendutton


please give us your money!!